Along the lines of keeping my farm/homestead experience honest I am moved to write this post. I have been struggling to stay positive and it began the night of my aunts passing on July 31, 2017. Grieving is expressed through various emotions over time and loosing my horse McCoy added a sadness of its own. I needed to look deeper for the root of my heartache and the Lord is showing me a little at a time areas I need him to heal my heart in. Sunday I was feeling better, nothing like sitting around the campfire with friends Saturday night to ease ones pain. But a series of events had me reeling back into heartache by Tuesday morning.
Finding one of my grow out Silver Gray Dorking birds dead Sunday night had me perplexed. Finding another Monday morning and then Monday night was upsetting me! I found a clue though. Blood in the stool of the living birds in that pen lead me to believe they were fighting cocidiosis. Not completely uncommon for chickens to acquire. I felt self loathing creeping in. I had not kept their pen clean like my heart intended. For over 2 weeks upon returning from being gone for over 4 weeks, I had been able to do only what was absolutely necessary. I want to insert here that I struggle with low functioning adrenal glands, leaving me easily exhausted. I am learning to pick and choose how and where to expend my energy. Also these chicks were hatched to sell, not to keep. The intended buyer was unable to take them and I found myself raising chicks I had not planned on. Monday night I began treatment for cocidiosis, removed them from their pen, and began cleaning the pen they had been housed in. No rain was forecast to my knowledge. I looked.
Tuesday morning I had hopes of attending the Scottish Highland show at the St. Joseph County Fair in Centerville, MI. Attending the 2016 show taught me basics of where the breed is today while providing an opportunity to meet SCH breeders. I awoke to realize that it had rained overnight on the Silver Gray Dorking grow outs and one of the newly hatched chicks did not make it. (That chick was in the barn) No cattle show for me, I was staying home to attend to the animals I have. I am not sure what happened to the one little chick. Perhaps another hen had killed it? Not sure, but I had believed it to be safe. Lesson learned! That being said I am still working on a plan to move the momma and baby to a different area. So far as of Wed morning the other chick is doing well. New pen for them is in the works. I felt horrible the grow out SGD chicks had no cover from the rain and dealing with an illness to boot. By Tue evening I had 6 left. I doubted some of them would survive, but at that point I only wanted to show them love. I do not like to play God and decide who lives and who dies. Although I have in the past culled diseased chickens.
One protocol for not spreading disease is to care for the sick chickens last. I practiced this yesterday, spending my energy first cleaning waters and caring for the healthy chickens to help prevent future illnesses. After that I brought the sick chickens into my house. Some I warmed with a hair dryer. I have saved kittens that way in the past. One in particular I spent well over an hour removing eggs from it’s feathers. It seemed like it had some fight in it. Little thing woke me up chirping during the night. The only way to quiet it was to sit by it or hold it. I opted to wrap it in a towel and sleep with it sitting on my chest on the recliner. I don’t know if it is going to make it or not, but I know I showed it kindness and comfort by holding it.
These events have me questioning my goals and my ability to achieve them. My head knows, setbacks are common and no failure only feed back. My heartache and feelings of failure threaten to overtake my thought patterns. Oh, but I know I can change my thoughts. I am reminded that the Lord says He loves me in spite of my shortcomings. That I am more than my failures. I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)
It seems the more I have been hurt, the harder it is to put myself out there. For instance, I felt hesitant to put forth too much effort to save those growing SGD yesterday. I felt, what would it matter, they might die anyway. After all, I had pushed myself beyond what I felt capable of to try to save McCoy and I lost him anyway. I prayed and found peace in the simple act of showing these birds love even if I knew they probably were not going to make it. Translate to human relationships. I find it easy after being wounded by people or circumstances for me to withdraw and give up. It feels safer to stop putting my true heart out for all to see. Truth is my expected outcome is not the most important when relating to others. Knowing that I showed someone love while maintaining healthy boundries becomes more important than my personal expectations of a particular outcome.
I am still discovering take away lessons from the first half of this week. I tend to feel like things are my fault. I strive to look for what I can do differently. I see several areas that a different choice on my part would have provided a different outcome. Feeling like a failure seems to follow. I need to remember NO failure, only feed back! Have you ever felt like you were not enough? That it might be easier to give up on a dream or plan? Or perhaps give up on yourself? Leave me a message or a comment about how you went from a valley to a mountain top. If we are honest, we all have both in our lives, don’t we?