I do not like failing, loosing a battle, giving up or quitting. I like to set high expectations for myself and those around me. I do fail, loose battles, give up and yes as hard as it is to write theses words, I do quit sometimes. Honestly, whenever I do, I hate on myself. I work hard to regain my self esteem after knowingly committing any of the above actions. I can reason through the act itself, knowing why I do not further pursue an action or goal, but not giving my all does not sit well with my heart.
I recently experienced the loss of a horse that I possibly could have prevented. I will always wonder. As I write these words I cringe inwardly, wondering. Did I do the best by him? Am I at fault for the loss of his life? I want to cry typing this. Nobody has said it was my fault and yet I wonder if I could have done more or made different choices. The Lord clearly reminded me on multiple occasions that I am more than just how I care for my animals. I strongly believe that caring for ones animals is an important and worthwhile task. However, my sole identity needs to lie in who the Lord says I am and I am still learning about who He says I am.
I have said I would share both the heartache and joys of my homestead adventures. Last week was a struggle when dealing with an ailing horse while fighting a short term illness along with 3 chronic diagnoses I battle daily. I felt alone. I prayed for the Lord to save him. He didn’t. My faith knows He sees a bigger picture than I do. I am watching to see what is next since He closed the door on the life of my dear McCoy. For the record, I also almost immediately reached out for help from an equine veterinarian.
This horse I called McCoy was registered as Jaywalker Frost and for good reason. As a foal he often found his way into other pens, pastures and generally anywhere he was NOT supposed to be. This trend continued until the last day of his life at 10 years old. He was the horse who thought through his next move. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again described him accurately. At times one could see him thinking.
He loved adventure, going somewhere new. He was often brave, more so before he was gelded at 5 and 1/2 years. McCoy found pleasure in going swimming and bossing other horses around. He wasn’t mean, but he had a way of persistently keeping after what he wanted. I have always had a soft spot for the uniqueness of people, horses, trucks, dogs, chickens, ect. I am attracted to the ones who stand out because they are different. Don’t expect me to be like everyone else either. That was what I loved most about McCoy, his uniqueness. That is also why it hurts so much to loose him cause in believing he is special I know I will never find another quite like him.
I come back to my belief that when one door closes another will open in the Lords perfect timing.
Note: The pictures I am sharing in this post are a memorial to McCoy sharing some of why I found him beautiful. The earlier stages of his training can be viewed on his FB page. I have a vision of new growth rising out of ashes, flowers to be exact. I am not clear on which flowers, but beautiful color rising out of ashes.
Have you lost a beloved horse? Or other animal? Feel free to leave a comment sharing your heartache or reach out with an email.
